The Key to Getting Any Job You Want: Be An Ant
The next time someone interviewing me asks “what kind of animal would you like to be” (which by the way, no one has ever asked me despite countless Job Getting Guides preparing me for it), I’m going to say “an ant.” I will forgo all impulses to say “my cat because she is pretty, fluffy, sleeps a lot and has the right to be a total bitch who bites and scratches people when she is angry” or “a unicorn!!!!!!”
First of all, the shock value alone of saying I want to be an ant should land me any job. I do not look like an ant kind of girl. But if that didn’t get me the job, my reasons why would.
Have you ever stopped and really watched ants work? I mean really, really watch. For thirty plus minutes.
Lucky for me, I have a major ant infestation in my house and I’ve had the opportunity to really watch these suckers for days on end.
Those little creatures have an insane work ethic. They remind me of that really old Disney song “The mail must go through” because no matter if it’s rain or snow, these ants must go through. Well, and DMB’s “Ants Marching” of course, but that’s besides the point.
Currently I have two major work zones to evaluate and critique:
- Upstairs in my 12 x 12 office, they were trekking from one corner of the room to the completely opposite corner: climbing over door frames, behind couches and chairs and staying nearly invisible. If the few nosy bastards that wandered onto my desk hadn’t been so damn greedy, I never would have known they were here slowly taking over the upstairs.
- Downstairs I’ve had quite a few trails but the one that is going now will forever be called Antz 2009: 3-D. It is going from the corner of my counters, up to the cabinets, over above the sink and then up under the cabinets where I can no longer see them. I have been tempted to stand up and peek on the soffet but the idea of what I may find terrifies me.
I like to think of them as my personal ant farm, without the sand and glass walls.
Finally decided to bring out the amazing Terro liquid ant traps that kill the whole colony. (Yes I’m an evil monster because I want to kill the ants that have been slowly taking over my house, one room at a time, for the the last four years. If they would like to start contributing to the household budget or stop chilling in my sugar, cereal, pasta and pretzels, I would be more than happy to let them stay.)
That said, I’m not allowed to spray them dead until the liquid trap goes to work. It has given me a very long time to reflect on the work ethic of ants (and also their immortality since these bastards would not die!).
They were packing in quite a bit of poison and still showing up for work every single day for like two weeks straight. Never called in sick. Never left early. And they even seemed happy with their jobs as they scurried about frantically, stopping only to briefly interact with a coworker before darting off. (Disclaimer: This is all speculation. I, at no time, was able to identify, with 100% certainty, that they were indeed, the same ants every day.)
However….
Ants are not the most efficient of creatures, are they? They don’t seem to grasp the “work smarter, not harder” philosphy. Remember the trail in my office? Instead of walking along the bottom of the door and cutting a good 10 minutes out of their travel time (since they seem to stop and wander around lost quite frequently), they insist on going up and over the entire doorway and back to the bottom to continue their trek.
I’ve even tried to help their efficiency. I noticed how long some of these ants were traveling, and since I’ve grown kinda fond of these little buggers, I really emphasized with their wary fatigue. So I moved the traps closer to their origin for them. Granted, I was trying to kill them faster but still…. These idiots totally bypassed that trap and continued on their 10minute journey across the house to the bait in the kitchen. Go figure.
Part of me would really love to sit down with the Queen Ant for a little chat on how to increase their efficency. You know, if it wasn’t in my own house and all. Maybe cut them a deal to take over my neighbor’s house since he lives in New Mexico 11 months out of the year….
So to answer the original question, “what animal would you be?”
“I’d like to be the Queen Ant because the work ethic of an ant closely resembles my own and as the leader, I would be able to drastically improve their efficiency to help our colony thrive.”
Oh, and because I could gorge myself on massive amounts of sugar and never get fat.
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June 2nd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Hey girl! Love the site, can’t wait to check it out this week! And thanks for the add on 20SB
June 3rd, 2009 at 3:21 am
Thanks! I hope you looked at Stiletto Sports too! This one is kinda Personal Spice—that one is Sporty Spice
Oh and an update—the ants are getting worse instead of better. Now there is a new trail attaching to the old one. And the length they are traveling is just ridiculous!